Bohol's Finest Peanut Fingers

Origin - Philippines
Rating - Not So Good
This is the best Filipino cookie I've ever had. That's not doing it any justice, any Filipino cookies I've had have been absolute turds. This, you can at least swallow. It's hard and crunchy and tastes like peanuts. That's about it. They're pretty bland and boring. They look like they've been squeezed through a playdough factory shape, so....not completely like a turd.
~Reviewed by Andy X

Century Tuna - Tuna Loaf

Origin - Philippines
Rating - Donkey Shit
I held off on this one frankly because I was scared. It looks somewhat alright on the can but as we all know, the guts are the glory. It smells like cat food, however, Devo (our cat) would shy away every time I brought this close to her nose.....not a good sign! Take this as a warning in the future, like when miners used birds as a sign of danger. Luckily Devo is not dead. I, on the other hand, feel as though I may perish at any time and I can't wash the smell off my hands.....it's become part of me....

Upon emptying the can, I was disappointed to see that you couldn't get it out like the picture suggests, in *loaf* form. It looks like silly putty and feels clammy and dense. Our tuna loaf dish tastes artificial, like what tuna might taste like if it were manufactured. Totally awful, not even the MSG is lending a helping hand. Thanks again Philippines!

The texture was retched. It was dry and crumbly kind of like flour & water that had been sitting out. I think that's the worst part of this product, the texture. Devo also hates me a bit more....
~Reviewed by Andy X

*UPDATE* ~ CAN BE USED THE SAME AS SILLY PUTTY! YAY FOR POPEYE!

Oishi Brand - Marty's Baconette Strips

Origin - Philippines
Rating - Good
If it weren't for the immediate stench of Paul Bunyan's taint upon opening the bag, I think I would have enjoyed them a little more. What's all this shit about "No Meat Goodness"? There's no bacon in the baconette strips. They taste close to pork rinds though, a little smokey and salty. They have a crunch close to flatted Funyuns but not soggy. They're not bad, a little beer always helps.
~Reviewed by Andy X

Baconette Strips
Rating: Good
Even though they were kind enough to include TBHQ (whatever the hell that is) to retard rancidity the pkg. still warns you to consume immediately after opening. So, let's move fast we don't want them to turn to dust Weenie Tots style. I was expecting these to have a horrendous gag inducing dog treat smell and was pleasantly surprised when it had an only mildly disgusting dog treat smell. But you know what? They're not bad. It's like Marty took a cheeto, put smoky bacon chip flavoring on it then ran it over with a steamroller.
~Reviewed by Ms. K

La-La - Takoyaki Fried Octopus Flavoured Snacks

Origin - Philippines
Rating - Awesome
Before trying these I kept saying to myself "C'mon Philippines, Don't do this to me again!". The picture of the octo-balls on the bag look promising but upon reading the ingredients and learning they are cassava/rice chips, I didn't really know what to expect. After opening I notice right away this challenge won't be that bad, they don't smell like satan's taint! They actually smell good, best described as sweet. They taste fantastic, dare I say one of the best chips ever? They taste slightly sweet but have a really mellow Japanese tempura & yakisoba kinda thing. They have a really nice savory flavour and the texture reminds me of less crunchy Munchos. Try these if you can find them, you won't be sorry!!
Reviewed by Andy X









Review by Ms. K to come...

Kalamares - Pacific Squid Rings Squid Flavoured Snack

Origin - Philippines
Rating - Donkey Shit

Day 19 ~ 5th day without food:
I've been trapped underground in this secret lab for what seems like a century with nothing to eat for 5 days now. The groans of my stomach keep me awake at night. I've eaten the last of the copy paper and nothing remains but this case of "Kalamares Squid Rings". I keep telling myself "maybe they'll taste like Fun-yuns" but my good senses tell me otherwise. I break. I open a bag to discover the sharp scent of "animal feed mill", at least they don't have bits of black shit on them as the picture suggests. Why do they come with vinegar? An initial taste leads me to my original thought of "Fun-yuns (although stale)" but with a pungent extra that quickly goes from half-ass to holy shit. I keep telling myself "after a while the taste morphs to Limburger Cheese BUT THIS CAN'T BE!!!". I decide the vinegar is probably the way to go, maybe it'll cover up this terrible funk that lives in my mouth as some kind of Limburger parasite. No, dipping them does not help....it just adds vinegar to the flavour dumpster. How could I be so naive? I tossed the bag over my shoulder and chose starvation.
Reviewed by Andy X





Review by Ms. K to come....

Fudgee Barr - Milky Craze

Origin - Philippines
Rating - Good
WOOOOOOOO, it's crazy! This was a bit better than Macapuno Magic but still nothing special. I was hoping when we cut into it, egg yolks would pour out. They did not. Again no magic AND no craze. It's basically pound cake with a caramel icing inside but not much of it. As the packaging suggests, it's ideal for any occasion, so bust out these crazy mother fuckers at the next funeral you attend to lighten the mood. Maybe stick one in the corpse's mouth for a laugh.
Reviewed by Andy X




Rating- Good
Milky craze. If that means all the cool kids are doing it then I'm in. This is a slightly more appealing member of the Fudgee Barr family. Imagine if those clever folks at Hostess made a pound cake with a custard filling and there you go. And they ARE delightful for all occasions. I suggest it as the cake at your next truck stop wedding. Reviewed by Ms. K

Fudgee Barr - Macapuno Magic Flavour

Origin - Philippines Rating - Boston Baked Beans
The name Fudgee Barr right away, makes me think of Rosanne Barr's panties. Wrong? Yes. It can't be helped. This little slice of ALF turd looks like a green muffin and doesn't have much of a smell that I could tell from. Inside we notice there is no cream but a slight glazing of snot. What a rip! Where's the FUCKING MAGIC??? It honestly doesn't taste bad, kind of like a coconut pound cake...but it's a little weird. Nothing like a Twinkie as the packaging would suggest. I could take it or leave it. It gets a BBB.
Reviewed by Andy X





Rating - Boston Baked Beans
It wasn't the green Twinkie we were expecting but it wasn't bad. A macapuno is a coconut that has more flesh than your regular coconut. You may be asking who decides and regulates this? Well kids the brave men and women of the Philippine Coconut Authority. I was also disappointed with the lack of filling. Especially since the package is pushing more filling. How could there be less? There was less of a coconut taste and more of all consuming taste of margarine. If that taste hadn't lingered for minutes this wouldn't have been so strange. How did they pack a whole tub into this tiny cake? Maybe that's the magic.
Reviewed by Ms. K